I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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