I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
