youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
