does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
