My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i've created a new STD.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
