Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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