the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
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Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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