Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
