I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
