What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
