we have pet lesbian snakes
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I want a musical about memes.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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