After last night, I could never be a politician.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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