I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
