I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
