GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
