You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
