your thong is hanging out like whoa
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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