he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
