so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
