My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Someone shit on the floor
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have aggressive nipples.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
