what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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