He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
