I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
