bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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