so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
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Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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