Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
