We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
