The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
