I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
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The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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