there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
