How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
