it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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