halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
