The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
