My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
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The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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