Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
