All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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