Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
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my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
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I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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