great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
