I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
