U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
