there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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