I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
