I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
