This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
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We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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