that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want her autograph on my taint
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
