he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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