If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
