I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
