When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
