Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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