One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
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I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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