I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
