my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize