I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
