Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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