i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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