My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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