it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
