if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
